HOW TO FIND YOURSELF, LIKE ACTUALLY DISCOVER WHAT YOU WANT

Oct 20, 2022

dear gale,

i'm in antwerp until the 24th of october. at the moment, i'm sat on a comfy red vintage couch in my airbnb in front of a really neat window that kind of curves... it's so old and elegant. it's a bit cold in here this evening. i just had dinner and i'm listening to Nora Brown for the first time (in tears). i am drinking belgian beer and eating belgian chocolate.

anyways, today i'm bringing you a list because i have been enlightened. i'm 25! since oct 17. which means i have a proper brain now... for the most part. so, i know a thing or two about how one should go about being their best self...

HOW TO FIND YOURSELF, LIKE ACTUALLY DISCOVER WHAT YOU WANT

1 ) TAKE ANYTHING THAT YOU THINK YOU DESIRE TO MENTAL COURT
oh so you think you want something? well... have you interrogated it? there are a few parts of your brain that must testify for this case.
first, your inner wounded child. ask: do you want this or is it for someone else? do you want this because what you actually want is embarrassing or unrealistic? do you want this because it allows you to keep avoiding your issues?
second, your inner free child. ask: at its best, does this thing bring you pure serenity? do you feel aligned with your self when you are encapsulated within this thing? is there any part of you that feels resistance from this desire + why?
third, your inner adult. ask: how would this desire serve you if it came to be? is this desire within reason? what is your logic behind desiring this thing?
hopefully this will inspire some peace or unrest within your decision process!! whatever it is for!

2 ) TAKE 30 STEPS TOWARDS SOMETHING (BIG) YOU THINK YOU WANT
have you tried, like REALLY tried to go for this thing that you want? 3 tries is NOT enough. there will be flops! we need to account for this. unless you're perfect, don't mistake your lack of initial dedication for something you want as a sign that maybe you don't actually want it. if it feels important, really give it a shot!! 30 steps! for instance, my working holiday permit took much more than 30 steps to confirm, but around 30 to really get rolling (this process was YEARS long!). there are so many small tasks when you're working towards something big... even just replying to an email, or working for years as you save money for it. the little things add up! and will totally impact what happens next for you! celebrate each step. and remind yourself that pursuing this desire has no place in your self-esteem.

3 ) ASK FOR IT!!
how many people do you know that could help you with this thing? if none, ask your friends if they know anyone who may be helpful in your quest for this thing. if they don't know, go on bumble bff or something! twitter! instagram! something! get online and get out! find out if there are any events, or friendly cafes or bars that have a relevant scene to your desire at hand. then, find people and ask them for what you want! i mean, introduce yourself and have a real human interaction, but ask! and when you ask, i think it's good to offer an out like, "if not that's totally okay! i just have to ask." assert yourself! but don't be annoying :( but trust me, you wont be :) you can't regret doing what's best for yourself. and if you do, then you know it wasn't actually for you. it takes time and it can be difficult, but if you find yourself never having the time, perhaps you don't want it as much as you thought — and that's liberating to know!

4 ) MISERY
when you are in the works of a big dream, there will be a lot of sh*t to withstand in the midst of its formation. it might feel awful, even though you're getting exactly what you signed up for. I have been discovering the power in not knowing what you want throughout the process of coming to understand what i want — when you're not sure, anywhere is alright. but when you know, not having it or having to fight to protect it is incredibly taxing. when i spiral into anxiety about the possibility of failure, i remember that when it comes to my TRUE desires: it will happen, because it MUST! (within reason, but to an extent, undoubtedly!!) and if it doesn't, it's because i didn't want it! this might sound wishy-washy, but trust me, with time and strategy (more often than not) there is a way to work yourself towards what you want. maybe you will never get exactly there! but you will feel yourself getting closer and closer, especially when you allow patience to rain down on you...

5 ) BE IN IT AND FEEL IT CLICK, OR FEEL IT CRUMBLE!!!
you did it! or you did something pretty close or vaguely related to it! how does it feel? interrogate your inner wounded child, inner free child, and inner adult again. look at yourself in the mirror. for real. silently stare at yourself in the mirror for at least like 4 minutes. who is that? are you good dissociating or bad dissociating? let it click or let it crumble, then sleep on it. repeat for a minimum of a week, and a max of 3 years.

needless to say, i've been going through CHANGES lately. part of me just wants to go back home and rekindle my old routine. even though it was one i simply fell into, not so much one that i would've carved out for myself. carving is HARD though — and takes years of experience... we'll get there. was this helpful? let me know if you have notes. i'd love to know what parts of this resonated with you and what didn't. i am still fleshing it all out myself... but i'm also not because i'm 25 and i know everything.

please let me know what you want, when you find out.

in one breath,
tiana